Everyone's Quitting Facebook

More news to support my sad theory that Facebook is in its "bloated purple dead-on-a-toilet phase": 100,000 British people quit Facebook last month. Even I'm shocked by that number, though. 100,000? What are they all doing with themselves?

Your first inclination is to think, ah, that's great, they're probably getting out into the world, living life instead of clicking through somebody else's. But with society having grown so social media-centric, quitting Facebook can seriously hurt their chances of finding a boyfriend or girlfriend, leaving them depressed and emaciated. Also if they go out and climb a tree, they'll probably just fall because their arms are so weak from technology. This Facebook exodus could be the most ill-fated British surrender since the Siege of Yorktown. There, I said it.

What would it take to get you to quit Facebook? I think this question has already been asked on lots of sites, but let's pretend I just thought of it for the first time. For me, I'd quit if it meant saving the life of a single anonymous child somewhere in the world. Anywhere, even someplace I don't like. Would you? What if you couldn't even use someone else's account to brag about it?

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Our Toothpaste Makes Your Brain Light Up

Journal of Consumer Psychology just published a cool study from Emory where people listened to music while having functional MRI of their brains, and it turned out that the MRI in the people who were listening to music that later became commercially successful was significantly different from those listening to music that later failed.

Specifically, the good music correlated with increased activity in their orbitofrontal cortex and nucleus accumbens. The most interesting part, though, is that seeing this activity on the MRI was actually a better predictor of the success of the song than the people's own reports of how much they liked the music.

So is functional imaging going to play a role in consumer marketing strategy in the future? I hope so.

Product packages could actually show pictures of what your brain MRI will look like after you buy and use the product, all lit up in different colors. Certain breakfast cereals marketed towards kids could make your brain light up the shape of cartoon characters or marketable dolls. "I want my brain to look like that, Mommy." They'd buy the cereal and the doll. Quaker brand Old-Fashioned Oatmeal, though, like I eat every morning, would just make your whole brain light up the entire time. The oatmeal box would be this gigantic glowing, pulsating brain. It would scream when you touch it.

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Free Surgery Videos

Are you having surgery soon? And you spend a lot of time worrying about what they'll be doing to your body? Do you wish you could understand it from the perspective of the surgeon?

"No" to all three, huh? But you -- what's that -- you think sometimes about cutting people while they're asleep? Well, okay, then you'll still be interested to know that the National Institute of Health has compiled an extensive catalog of educational surgery videos addressed to the healthcare consumer. From "Awake Craniotomy" to "Anal Fistula Plug," they're all there! Probably cancel your weekend plans. Or at least cancel your plans for a weekend free of robot anxiety after you watch "Fully Robotic Gastric Bypass."

Not all robots are trying to cut out part of your stomach, but it's safer to assume that most of them would if given the opportunity. Star Jones ended up losing 160 pounds after a run-in with an ATM. It's true. But what does a robot do with the extra human stomachs, anyway? They couldn't want to eat it, that would be too funny.

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