Be Cool

It's going to be 98 degrees in Chicago today!

That's really hot, especially if you're like me and you've had your pores cauterized. It's important to stay cool so your body and mind don't become a mess. Here are some tips for beating the hotness:

• Don't go outside. Stay inside in your air conditioned house or workplace. Don't go outside.

• If you do have to go outside, come inside again, right away. Don't go out there again. Why did you - just, ugh, just stay inside.

• Eat garlic, mint, and spicy foods. They actually cool you down.  Eat them inside, though, not on your balcony or rooftop.

• Ice bath, take an ice bath. Turn your water to cold, all the way, until ice starts coming out. Or just pour all of the ice from your freezer into your bathtub. Then bathe in it. Run it over your arms and the back of your neck. Listen to soft music loudly and say "oh yes" a lot. Also take a real shower, because the ice won't get you very clean.

• Don't -- hey, why are you going so close to the door! 

• Icicles - think about them. Try and make one with your mind.

• Don't go indoor tanning, at a salon. Don't go to a tanning salon today.

• Sun hat with face protection. "Ponytail slot in back." 

Enjoy the day!

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The Fit-O-Meter Miracle

JAMES HAMBLIN

WebMD has created a Fit-O-Meter [fit-ah-mitter] that tells you how many calories you burn doing certain activities.

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And it was good.

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Someone Spilled Some Knowledge On You

 

Carl Zimmer's forthcoming Science Ink: Tattoos of the Science Obsessed tells true stories of science tattoos. Because it's neat when responsible people get reasonable tattoos.

Reason aside, as many of you know I'm seriously interested in getting sleeved. But I'm also looking for a design that would be acceptable for work. Would you be okay with your doctor having a tattoo sleeve? If it was something scientific, say, that I could use to help educate patients -- a pictorial of fetal development throughout gestation, maybe, or depictions of people with different kinds of tumors in the act of the lifestyle choices that caused them -- then yes, it could be okay, right? 

My other idea is just to get the actual cool tattoos I want (extremely NSFW), but then cover them when I'm wearing scrubs, say with a Dri-Fit shooting sleeve like Allen Iverson or something.

If people ask why I'm wearing it, I can always say it's because I'm about to make it rain.
I say that a lot already anyway.

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Narci$$u$

A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that people with narcissistic personalities were 50% more successful at pitching movies than people without. On paper, the pitches weren’t any better. The theory is that people who’ve convinced themselves they’re creative and their ideas are great end up being the best at convincing others of the same. "Self-promotion is a valuable skill, but it benefits everyone to realize how much it can distort perceptions of quality."

In no way does this explain why my standard pitch closer, "please, please, oh Jesus please, I’m drowning in failure," has met with so much success. 

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Everyone's Quitting Facebook

More news to support my sad theory that Facebook is in its "bloated purple dead-on-a-toilet phase": 100,000 British people quit Facebook last month. Even I'm shocked by that number, though. 100,000? What are they all doing with themselves?

Your first inclination is to think, ah, that's great, they're probably getting out into the world, living life instead of clicking through somebody else's. But with society having grown so social media-centric, quitting Facebook can seriously hurt their chances of finding a boyfriend or girlfriend, leaving them depressed and emaciated. Also if they go out and climb a tree, they'll probably just fall because their arms are so weak from technology. This Facebook exodus could be the most ill-fated British surrender since the Siege of Yorktown. There, I said it.

What would it take to get you to quit Facebook? I think this question has already been asked on lots of sites, but let's pretend I just thought of it for the first time. For me, I'd quit if it meant saving the life of a single anonymous child somewhere in the world. Anywhere, even someplace I don't like. Would you? What if you couldn't even use someone else's account to brag about it?

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“Hey, Nice Skin”

The Journal of Investigative Dermatology recently published that teenagers with severe acne were twice as likely to develop mental health issues as compared to the normal kids. Most commonly, depression. It’s a pretty strong statement about the importance we place on appearance during those formative years.

So, next time you see a teenager with severe acne, try and brighten their day.  Smile and say something kind.  "I like your personality," for example.

Also, as per this article from Health.com, it's best to not insinuate that their bad acne is an attempt to punish you. Even if you're pretty sure it is.

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The Perfect Place

“I hope this doesn’t alarm you,” said the realtor, “but there is something I haven’t told you about this apartment.”

Alarm me? How bad could it be? The place was perfect - dishwasher, ceiling fans, in-unit washer/dryer, all granite, what’s not to like? “Well, there’s something I haven’t told you about this apartment. It’s that I love it, and I’ll take it.”

“I’m glad you’re so enthusiastic, but you really should hear this --”

I put my hands over my ears and smiled. “Just give me the fucking contract.”

She looked at me and paused, then began to mouth some words, so I closed my eyes and started spinning around. Eventually I lost consciousness.

I awoke to a stinging smack across my face and yelling of my name. She’d apparently poured cold water on my head, and some of it was in my mouth. I spit it out like a fountain as I sat up, for drama.

“Who are you?” I asked, as if in a daze. But I sort of laughed after I said it

“Nice try. The thing you need to know about the apartment is --”

“I love you.” I was looking at the ceiling fan in her glasses.

“What?”

“You heard me, you crazy old hag, I love you. Marry me. Marry me now.”

That did it. She started smiling and saying some different stuff, and I went back to thinking about the granite and how nice it would be. No one was going to ruin this apartment for me. It was perfect.


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